Mama Malone

Malone cohabits with some newborns

People often ask “why do we never see baby pigeons?” You should thank the Lord/your lucky stars/a new age higher power that you haven’t. They are the ugliest alien creatures I have ever had the misfortune of co-habiting with. Yes, co-habiting with.

They have set up home in my patio. In the laziest excuse for a ‘nest’: a plant pot! Mama Pidg laid two eggs in said plant pot; I thought they were the toddler’s toy eggs from her toy collection.

I was about to tell her off for leaving them outside, when I noticed three twigs and a shard of tile had been purposely laid next to the eggs in what seemed to be an extremely flippant attempt at ‘nesting’. It was play too sophisticated for a three and half year old child, but an amateur effort for a bird… A plant pot with a few twigs laid next to the eggs is not a nest!

I rang the council and the RSPB, and they told me that pigeons are famously bad at making nests. They told me anyone who moved or destroyed the nest would incur a £5000 fine.

“That’s nearly two months of them sub-letting my flat’s patio off of me without permission”

They also told me that the babies would take 18 days to incubate (with mama pidg sitting on the eggs) and then after hatching, another 34 days of maturing the babies enough to fly off with mum. That’s nearly two months of them sub-letting my flat’s patio off of me without permission, or indeed any rent!

One of the main reasons I rented this flat was so that when the weather got warm, we would have that ‘third room’, the outdoor space where I could put toys out and my small child could make a mess and get wet and dirty outside. I meant mud and water dirty. There is no way I would let her out there now. The patio is covered in filthy bird poo. Tons of it.

Pic: Lili Bé www.130cartons.com

Pigeon poo can apparently make you sneeze and vomit. I can’t let the small child out there (even if she wasn’t scared of the pigeon mayhem). Whenever we open the patio door they all go flappy-wing crazy. More poo results… The patio is probably about 10ft by 16ft – it was humble at best, but now it is revolting.

A swarm of flies swirl round in circles – I presume because of the pidg poo, but I rang the RSPB and they said flies suggest that one of the birds is not healthy. I wondered if one of them had died, but no, today I caught a glimpse of them both. They are less ugly than when first born, but to me still look like they’ve been run over.

I am reluctant to open our bedroom windows (which back onto the patio) in case the flies venture inside. I can’t put any washing out in case it is pooped on. Be glad if you have never seen baby pigeons; I wish I never had…