Mama Malone

Malone wonders what school will mean for her

We visited the school today. She happily played with plastic food stuffs, pouring tea and eating pretend pizza. She was fine. I, on the other hand… sat by myself in the corner of the school hall whilst the other parents mingled. I felt like an outsider with my legs dangling off a blue plastic kid’s chair. I felt exactly like I did at school.

Funny isn’t it that after all these years, and experiences, and therapy… that returned to a school environment I’d just revert back to little alone pig-tailed Malone. I wonder perhaps if we don’t change that much at all deep inside! Sure, we throw on a few more coats of armour, add more layers to shield that soft inner child, but perhaps the inner child who will always be hurt by things, that should feel things, always remains inside – that tiny child.

The first time I speak, I ask the tea lady for a cup of tea and she can’t hear me. I have to repeat myself a few times, then I realise I am a tiny quiet child asking for tea! I am nervous. This is a woman who gets up on stage doing stand-up comedy! What is wrong with me?

“Will I have to start baking? Will I have to start wearing Crocs?”

Then I ask for a form for school uniform, the brash school-lady-person tells me firmly with a look of ‘you idiot!’ in her eye: “They were in your information pack.” Information pack? I was given that ages ago! I’m expected to know where that is? Be a grown-up?

Pic: Lili Bé www.130cartons.com

This school malarkey means I’ve got to get organised. I’ve probably got to become some sort of… mother. Will I have to start baking? My kitchen’s not big enough! There’s no room for a swing-bin never mind to swing a cat. Will I have to start wearing Crocs? Will I have to learn to drive so I can moan about parking issues with other mums at the school gates? Will I have to stop being so judgemental/opinionated/scared of other parents so I can actually get off this blue plastic kid’s chair and go and talk to the parents in my child’s new school…?

Probably. I think I will start off just buying an A4 file organiser though… (At this point, if this was an SMS, I would insert a smiley face implying cheeky self-awareness.) I didn’t buy the uniform as I figure she’ll grow loads in the next few months when school actually starts. My little baby is starting school in September! Four years have passed. Who’d have thought I’d still be single/creative/ laughing!

I honestly thought my life was going to end when I had a child, but in many ways I have achieved more. Anyone worrying that having a child means you losing yourself, needn’t. Parenting just makes you fight harder for yourself and who you are… And a new exciting chapter is about to begin: both mother and child have much to learn.