Mama Malone

Malone thinks we should skip the pleasantries

Things that amuse me: men that drive vans with ‘Dog Walking Service’ written on the side. People telling you how hilarious something was but aren’t even cracking a smile, never mind laughing: “Honestly, it was hilarious, we were creasing up!”

It also amuses me when people ask how you are, and when you say “miserable”, they look uncomfortable. OK, I haven’t done that yet but I might. Instead, I reply “I’m fine, thanks, you?” And they answer: “Oh yeah, fine, fine,” when inside, they also want to curl into a ball and be put to bed for a few years… “Morrrrrning! Ah, good, the recession is over. Excellent! Mine’s a croissant and a latte!”

I knew I was feeling the credit crunch recently when I purchased Pound Shop toilet roll. It wasn’t a false economy, no… a whole roll lasted almost a day. The small child used it like an Andrex puppy trailing it around the house. (Hey, if it keeps her quiet for 20 minutes while I check my Facebook, update my Twitter, pluck my eyebrows…). Tissue paper offered in a pile of unraveled toilet roll is an attractive feature in any bathroom.

Other things that make me laugh:the irony of buying stuff in the Pound Shop that costs 70p elsewhere, like washing-up liquid or sugar.
And who the hell buys eggs from a Pound Shop? They do bacon now, too. Uncooked meats and dairy being sold in a discount store? This credit crunch is crazy times. What’s next? Pregnancy tests?! (Ahem, actually they already sell them…) I wonder if they sell discount condoms?

“It amuses me when people ask how you are, and when you say ‘miserable’, they look uncomfortable”

Anyway, back to manners: I wonder where the custom of asking how strangers are actually comes from. Surely a 100 years ago on meeting someone we’d say: “Hello, enchanted to meet you”, and not: “Hello, how are you?” Then going through the strained rigmarole of having to answer the same question back, while usually lying about how happy one’s life is. In some places in the world they don’t have this custom at all.

Pic: Lili Bé www.130cartons.com

Is it politeness gone mad? The only answer you can conceivably give without appearing unhinged is: “Fine thanks, you?”

It almost seems pointless asking. It is nice to be asked, but sometimes I want to say: “I’m absolutely on the edge. I’m lonely, misunderstood and unappreciated. I rely on Google to ask the questions that a 100 years ago I would have asked my grandmother. I’m fed up of this relentless hamster-wheel of life, and I want to escape the cage and scamp about in a yacht off the pacific ocean drinking strawberry daiquiris . How are you?” Maybe I’ll actually do that just to see their face, video it, and upload it onto YouTube. A middle class version of a ‘happy slapper’ video.