Mama Malone

Malone wants to live in the moment for a change

Friends suggest I look into the world of online dating. But I’m still in that post break up fog where you can’t imagine ever meeting anyone similar again… what’s the point? They think it will cheer me up, so I take a peek… what a world it is. A world where you can declare openly being ‘in a relationship’, and just there for ‘new friends’. Or even ‘casual sex’! A world where openly saying you’re looking for ‘marriage’ is something you may not click on, for fear of attracting no interest at all.

I’m in a funny place at the moment; my life dreams seem to be changing. I don’t know if I want marriage anymore. This feels nicely strange and freeing. As a traditional woman it was something that I always looked forward to, finding someone I wholly adored, to have a settled relationship with; that special someone to put the bins out for me… joke! (I know that a husband is more than that! They can also pick up milk on the way home.)

“Perhaps the Mama Malone single woman, single mum ‘brand’ must go on…”

Seriously, I have always looked forward to marriage: someone to look after, having a team to face life’s challenges with, a time to grow with someone and share laughter with. Suddenly I don’t know if I want that ‘story’ anymore. Sure I want the happy ending. I just don’t know if my dream is settling anymore. I don’t know why.

Pic: Lili Bé www.130cartons.com

It’s weird when your dreams change. It’s possibly exciting. I’ve changed direction on the path I was walking and I have no idea where this one is heading. It might lead to me alone on my deathbed in 50 years, but who cares! I just want to enjoy the walk along the path, walking as if the walk might only last another few miles and enjoy every bit of it.

I have, in the past, struggled to live in the moment. Now, the only place I want to be is in the moment. Both the past and future are places I have no brain-space for. I wonder if this is because I’m grieving a relationship break up.

I wonder and hope that life has an interesting path for me, that settling down just yet isn’t the plan. Perhaps the Mama Malone single woman, single mum ‘brand’ (ha ha) must go on… I don’t know what the hell I am doing on a dating website! The thought of a new relationship is repellant. Holding hands or having somebody’s arms around me would be nice. There’s nowhere to click on that as an option on this dating site, though.

The physics of magnetism is such that as soon as you don’t push at something, and pull away, it pulls at you! So instead of repelling, I’ve attracted many dating messages in my inbox but no-one I want to hold hands with yet. My friends had good intentions, but I don’t think this has cheered me up yet…