Mama Malone

Malone makes a 10-year plan

I need some sort of job; I wonder what I will end up doing. I hope it will be ‘international jet-setter mum’. A job that involves getting on planes with expensive hand luggage wearing Gucci sunglasses calling the nanny and saying “Mummy misses you so much,” as I neck a gin in the departures lounge, filing my nails while scouring spreadsheets on my iPad.

In Brighton my job options are waitress, call centre agent or… commuting to London I think. I just want a job I like. Is that crazy? I want to enjoy my work and it show in whatever I do. I know, I’m crazy sometimes! A lot of people don’t seem to enjoy their work – mainly waiters and bus drivers I find. I imagine the job interview: “So applicant, do you like driving?” Applicant shakes head. “Do you like other humans?” Applicant says: “No”. The interviewer stands up: “Well done, you’ve got the job!” 

I can’t imagine going to a job interview. Last time I went for one, they asked me the dreaded: “Where do you see yourself in five years time?” I wish I had replied: “I expect I’ll be raising a child on my own, struggling to make ends meet.” Of course I didn’t say that. I said something else that was just as stupid and didn’t me get the job.

“I just want a job I like. Is that crazy?”

Illustration: Dan Evans

All I really want to do is write my book. I thought that would be happening in September with the sprog starting school then, but – horror – no, the school does not take them on full-time ‘til January! So from 11.30am ‘til 7.30pm I am expected to entertain my own child! That’s an eight-hour day of childcare even after she’s finished school for the day!

What am I going to do with her? Make her play marathon sessions with yoghurt pots while I try to bash out my best-selling book? Or on rainy cold winter days, turn on the TV for eight hours? Help! The school says they can provide care in the afternoons ‘til January but its a bit of a lottery who will get the limited places and also its costs hundreds a month!

Perhaps I will become a childminder so that my child has someone to play with and I can get paid to make them lunch and get the yoghurt pots out. That’s probably the one job interview where I could say that in five years time I expected to be raising a single parent family and struggling to make ends meet and still get the job… Where do I see myself in 10 years time?

Living off the money of my first few books, helping to edit a film script taken from my third book; definitely not struggling to make ends meet in a single parent family, but thanking my lucky stars for all the experiences that have helped me write my books.