Malone on accidents and attention seeking

I expect there’s not many mums who, at the end of a long day with the toddler, run off to perform a stand up comedy gig. Hmm. Probably for a reason!  Motherhood and careers battle at the best of times but keeping the creative career going can be a real struggle as a mum.

One tends to be one’s own boss in creative careers, which isn’t ideal when the boss is being bossed about by a three year old (usually to find the pink glitter pen that she lost months ago, or to put CBeebies on, or, as my child says: ‘stop working mummy!’ as she closes down the lid of my ‘pooter’ and smiles the sweetest toothy grin). 

Every time I try to send an email or note down ideas – or just write – the child starts flicking Blu-Tack around, treading rice cakes into the carpet or the best attention seeking act – the head bang.

“I know she’s three, but no-one – not even a toddler – can be that klutzy, can they?”

Image: Dan Evans www.idrawforfood.co.uk

“Mummmmy! I banged my head on the door,” she yells as she runs in wailing for attention. It must be for attention, right? Without exaggeration, she falls over or bangs her head about twice an hour. That’s like 20 times a day! I know she’s three but no-one – not even a toddler – can be that klutzy, can they?!

She’s not wobbly from an ear infection. She’s not ill. She’s just got in the habit of enjoying the rewards of the attention. In her head she’s thinking ‘hmm, Mummy puts down the computer when I say I’ve banged my foot/knee/tongue’.

The other day she made me kiss her bum ‘cos she reckoned she’d hurt that! How many bosses have to kiss their people’s bums? Oh, actually probably a few… It sounds like I’m being unsympathetic, but when you know someone well you can tell when they are putting it on a bit… I’ve seen anti-tantrum parenting DVDs advising to ‘keep putting coins in the meter’, i.e. regularly giving attention so, while cleaning the kitchen, you’re supposed to stop every ten minutes to play for one minute.

Sounds easy, doesn’t it? In reality, you think ‘I won’t be long’ and ‘if it’s not broke don’t fix it’, so you continue, and before you know it the child is running in wailing for attention. 

After finishing hoovering rice cakes out of carpets, washing up, making dinner, bribing the child into pyjamas with taunts of ‘come on, if you don’t do this, you won’t be getting a bedtime story’, you finally put them to bed, almost falling asleep with them, suddenly remembering you have to go to a pub and perform some stand up comedy.

It’s probably only to three old men sat at the bar, whose wives are all called Jone, and who wish the comedy would stop as ‘it’s rather loud when you’re trying to discuss the darts league’. Seems Mummy will do anything for attention too.