316 - This week, Molly’s article comes with a warning; the word ‘period’ and also the word ‘poo’ is mentioned. So anyone of a weak dispition or just too damn ‘Alpha’ should turn the page now.


Okay so before I had a baby these are the things no –one told me about having babies which I think anyone about to have a baby or considering getting up the duff should know. Number one is that pregnancy is susposed to be 9 months in duration, but is in fact 40 weeks long, this is more like 10 months, as only 5% of babies are delivered on their due date. It’s a blummin long time not to have a good piss up or go horse riding. Ahem…Okay maybe not the horse riding but I defiantely missed dancing like an idiot in nightclubs when I was pregnant. And to cap it off since I’ve had the baby all the bars stay open late with these new laws so no one goes dancing anymore in nightclubs, but to be honest after a day with the baby, I flake our after a few hours of drinking and talking shit in bars. Anyhoo the second thing no one tells you about this parent malarkey is that after the birth of the baby you have to give birth to a human organ called the placenta! I didn’t actually as I had a ceaearaen. Instead mine was removed by a complete stranger who I’ll never meet again, but they did offer it to me to take home if I desired, like some sort of doggy bag. So thoughtful! Some people eat theirs or use it as fertiliser. Okay I’m spirtiutal hippy type, but I’m not down with that. I don’t care how nutritious it is and how it fed my baby for 9 well actually 10 months. Call me old fashioned but I just don’t want to eat my own organs. The third thing no one tells you ladies about baby making is (and this is one of the very few bonuses of parenting so read it and leap), is that some women often don’t get a period for over a year after having a baby! A whole year! Something to do with hormones. I got mine after 3 months. I was cheated. Number four is that children don’t come with teeth, they have to have them pierce through their gums and this displeases them. Displeased babies are not fun. But the real clanger is that teething goes on to til your child is two or three years old! Hopefully it won’t be constant. My baby still has no teeth so I actually don’t know what I’m talking about. Perhaps it will be fine. Perhaps perhaps perhaps. Number five is that your lovely baby’s unoffensive newborn poos start to smell just like an adults once they start eating solids. So keep them on a milk diet until they got to college, it will save on loo paper too.

Six is that complete strangers now have a right to come up to you and speak to you on the bus/train saying things like “wow haven’t you got your figure back?” “she hasn’t got your eyes has she?” “Is she a boy?” I would recommend replying thanks her name is Esmerelda” or “Chilli pepper” just to hear them say “oh that’s a nice name dear” and watch them lie through their godamn teeth.