Week 7- Apparently the Ex is going to Paris for Christmas with Bob. The most romantic city in the world with your mate Bob? Surely geezers go to Amsterdam as European city of choice?’ He laughs “No you know I’m not like that – we’re going for the jazz clubs”. He must thing it was I born a few months ago, not his daughter… I think hmmm I know it’s bad and I promise myself I’ll never do it again but I need to know, I decide to look through his mobile for evidence of a girlfriend. He keeps his phone constantly in his pocket, he never used to do that so I figure he must have something to hide. I give up hope of of snooping as he even seems to sleep with it in his pocket. Then he stupidly leaves it in his jacket whilst he showers, I can hear the shower going so I know he’s in it – well I presume. A proper detective would never presume! Anyway I take my chance, hesitating before I open his inbox, “do I really want to know?” Why am I doing this? What am I looking for? I guess I need to know how much he has moved on. I open it up and there in all their glory is a full inbox of texts from GEMMA MOB. I presume it’s he rmobile phone number and not that she’s involved in the mob…Um Think I am getting carried away with this detective malarkey…

“I feel so lucky to have you” “The sun is coming up here, thinking of you” “Can’t wait to go on holiday with you” Then the really stomach kick “I love you so much Gemma” LOVE!! He LOVES her? Oh my god. A shag I could handle but he reckons he loves her? Oh my god. The shower has stopped running, how long has it been I don’t know, I quickly work out ho wto lock the phone and put it in his pocket. Whilst this is all going on, I am trying to do controlled crying on the baby’s nap times, she just won’t nap in the day at home- she has to be walked about. (which I figure with a rainy winter on the way that won’t be fun). She is crying – I want to cry too. I want to run away from them both. I didn’t want this life. I would have doen anything to have given her a proper family. I’m sad for us all. I put my coat on, he comes out the shower singing, I grab the rubbish bin bag and say “I’m putting the rubbish out”. I’m gone about half an hour. I ring every friend I have, its 930am Sunday morning though and no one wants to answer. I feel actually physically sick. Why did I look? Then I start to realise its better I know now. This is the kind of man he is. This is better than wishing and being under his spell. Suddenly I feel more closer to my child too like “right its me and you now “. I get back into the flat and say I bumped into a friend “been outside chatting” he doesn’t seem interested he has the baby onhi slap “I couldn’t let her cry any longer” .

I can’t believe he says he loves this new girl, I mean he said to me he never said I love you. He even said it in the same way to her – he used to say to me.

I feel numb and curl up in a ball on sofa, he says ‘c’mon sort it out whats the matter?’’ I say I’ve just had a hard week looking after the 3 month old baby and I’m bit depressed today. He says “do you want me to tak eher away? I can look after her” I say no… He says “c’mon when I come and visit I just want to have a good time. I want to punch him! “ I decide not to tell him I know. I am going to play with him like a cat with a mouse. I’ll ask him to get me some underwear from Paris and to make sure he takes lots of photos of him and Bob at the Eiffel tower!