Week 40

EX has been ringing 3 times a day…”any sign?” he says so excited. I feel like a machine, a hen waiting to hand over the golden egg to him. “No. No sign…” Everyone has been ringing, parents, friends etc “any news?” “Noooo” Really getting on my nerves now, I mean I’ll bloody get a text to everybody when I have it and EX.’s and parents will get a call. EX still wants me to call him when I go into labour… I had a false labour the other week and I thought I was going into labour with crazy back and tummy pain and he had a go at me because I didn’t call him! I said “ringing you wasn’t my top priority at that point’ Jesus the man thinks when I’m in labour I should stress myself out my making sure I contact him.

So if he comes to the birth where’ is he going to stay? He reckons he’ll drive up from the country and do what sit in the car and wait? I only want people who care about me around me when I give birth…. I can’t decide if he is nuts or just mindlessly selfish. He said to me other night “But but I don’t wanna be the last person to meet my baby…” Hearing him refer to baby as his baby makes me feel weird… is it his baby? I mean of course it is biologically, but I mean oh I don’t know what I mean it just sounded weird. Then he said things like “what I did is done! Its over!” (referring to leaving me pregnant) !!? but it hasn’t even started yet!!

Made me feel rubbish, like I wasn’t allowed to feel upset still, forgive me I’m only 9 months pregnant… he also said “what I’ve done isn’t that abnormal, lots of people have babies not togehter…” Right fine well that’s okay then if other people do it…

I said to him “maybe you are having a nervous breakdown…perhaps might explain your feelings of hopelessness and complete inability to be empathetic and compassionate…” anyhoo needless to say he got really annoyed and said “I’m sick of u making out I’m a emotional retard! I’m not! I just realised I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you! “ Okay…. Fair enough. That’s the harsh truth isn’t it and he’s right I do need to ‘get with it’, what’s done is done I guess…. I guess I still love him and wanted to believe that he was just going through a tough time, all the pressure getting to him etc. I myself have been quite calm through this last part of pregnancy perhaps that has confused him. I was thinking maybe I am actually better off on my own at the moment I’m probably more relaxed than women with partners, I mean I can be totally selfish! At least for a few more days at least...