6 weeks old
Exhausted. Have just cleaned house top to bottom. EX is coming round to see baby. I know why bother? Well he’s such a clean freak (a Virgo) and I know he will be silently grading my coping abilities on the state of my kitchen floor and hob… I did the socially acceptable clean – i.e. kitchen towel with grease remover wiped round quickly without my specs on… it looks clean… I’ll have to get my act together by the time she’s a toddler and touching things… well they say if you never around germs your immune system can’t react when it does meet them, she should be fine then… Cleaning looking through his eyes makes for a thourouh clean, mirrors even got wiped, and crumbs on toaster swept away
Ooh the baby just farted and made me jump forgot she was there for a min! She’s been asleep for nearly 2 hours…. Its 11130am she’s sitting in one of those bouncer type chairs and was on vibrate for an hour; she loves it.. sleeping with the fairies. Gave me time to bath, get dressed, make up, clean whole house and now write this article amazing!
Anyway here’s me cleaning house, and making up face, making appearances look good when I haven’t even thought about how I will deal with EX , what do I want? How do I want the access thing to work? I said to him a few weeks ago, “how about seeing your daughter twice a month and calling once a week”. I thought that was reasonable… He agreed with seeing her bi-monthly but wants to call everyday!! EVERYDAY! He calls everyday…. Its not like she can come to the phone and say hi Dad she’s 6 weeks old, what does he want? I don’t understand. How am I supposed to move on and let him go if he calls every day? Its like he doesn’t want me to, I don’t suppose he does, the idea of someone else being her everyday dad upsets him but god man you don’t want to be with me so let me go and have a life! You left me pregnant after saying you were going to spend your life with me, you’ve made me get on with this new life so let me do it!
Everyday he calls and i describe her poos, her sleep times and her skin condition etc, (she has a rash)
Friends say don’t answer his calls, easier said than done, even when I miss his calls because I am bathing baby or having a piss or something he says “I find it very irritating when you don’t answer my calls” Well mate I find it very irritating that I’m bringing a child up on my own when I thought we were doing it together, oh sorry we are doing it together except you turn up every 2 weeks, harass me every day, and otherwise get your cake and eat it. Grrr.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
5 weeks old
I need to ‘get real’ as Ex put it… Romance is definitely dead then… My parents met in Portobello road in 1969, he asked her for a light, she went back to his flat to smoke and listen to my dad play Bob Dylan on the guitar with his 3 notes… They got together that night and been together ever since…call me old fashioned but I do believe in love. I do believe that love conquers all. My parents used to fight like cat and dog and there were times I thought they should split up, but I eat my words now because they sit there now 34 years later holding hands still in love! All it’s taught me is that relationships have up and downs and those ups and those downs might last years but in a 34-year marriage that’s a blip in an ocean. They have also taught me that if you don’t want to go to relate for relationship help then Chianti red wine is an excellent alternative. The bottle listens and doesn’t judge and everything is forgotten in the morning… I used to think their drinking was destructive but hey what do I know? My longest relationship is 2 years…
Maybe if I had a drink problem I would lighten up abit and blur out my relationship hiccups and just get on with my relationships rather than nitpicking at them… I didn’t think I did nitpick at ex but I must have as he said to me the other day “I never feel appreciated by you, I just want to feel appreciated” Bit late for that now mate I felt like saying…. Didn’t appreciate being dumped pregnant….
No its not the 1940’s and he doesn’t have to stay with me, but after encouraging me to conceive his baby he could at least try to make it work longer than he did…his reply is “but I deserve to be happy” yes of course. My god if I could impregnate some guy and then pay them to bring up my child visiting whenever I wished, having new partners and be fancy footloose and free and generally getting it all my way then I would too!
He’s talking about moving to Brighton! Part of the reason we split up was because he didn’t want to live in Brighton and wanted me to move to his hometown miles away!
On one hand I want him near for babysitting services so I can have some sort of life but on the other hand I like the fact that are our lives are separate I don’t want him waving a new girlfriend in my face strutting around Brighton or worse still him getting off with someone I know which is highly likely in tiny Brighton… and my god he is fit single Brighton women would be clambering over his alpha maleness and I’d be standing there holding the baby wishing it was the 1940’s…
I need to ‘get real’ as Ex put it… Romance is definitely dead then… My parents met in Portobello road in 1969, he asked her for a light, she went back to his flat to smoke and listen to my dad play Bob Dylan on the guitar with his 3 notes… They got together that night and been together ever since…call me old fashioned but I do believe in love. I do believe that love conquers all. My parents used to fight like cat and dog and there were times I thought they should split up, but I eat my words now because they sit there now 34 years later holding hands still in love! All it’s taught me is that relationships have up and downs and those ups and those downs might last years but in a 34-year marriage that’s a blip in an ocean. They have also taught me that if you don’t want to go to relate for relationship help then Chianti red wine is an excellent alternative. The bottle listens and doesn’t judge and everything is forgotten in the morning… I used to think their drinking was destructive but hey what do I know? My longest relationship is 2 years…
Maybe if I had a drink problem I would lighten up abit and blur out my relationship hiccups and just get on with my relationships rather than nitpicking at them… I didn’t think I did nitpick at ex but I must have as he said to me the other day “I never feel appreciated by you, I just want to feel appreciated” Bit late for that now mate I felt like saying…. Didn’t appreciate being dumped pregnant….
No its not the 1940’s and he doesn’t have to stay with me, but after encouraging me to conceive his baby he could at least try to make it work longer than he did…his reply is “but I deserve to be happy” yes of course. My god if I could impregnate some guy and then pay them to bring up my child visiting whenever I wished, having new partners and be fancy footloose and free and generally getting it all my way then I would too!
He’s talking about moving to Brighton! Part of the reason we split up was because he didn’t want to live in Brighton and wanted me to move to his hometown miles away!
On one hand I want him near for babysitting services so I can have some sort of life but on the other hand I like the fact that are our lives are separate I don’t want him waving a new girlfriend in my face strutting around Brighton or worse still him getting off with someone I know which is highly likely in tiny Brighton… and my god he is fit single Brighton women would be clambering over his alpha maleness and I’d be standing there holding the baby wishing it was the 1940’s…
Saturday, September 02, 2006
4 Weeks old
I’ve had cross words with EX’s sister as she thinks it is out of order I haven’t put Ex on birth certificate and that I asked for a week off from his daily “how is the baby’ phone calls. Just needed a week to get my head together one little week post natal to try strengthen my head and feel in control of my emotions towards him – I asked for 1 week but he couldn’t even do that, he text me after 2 days “I’m FINDING THIS NO COMMUNICATION VERY DIFFICULT’, HOW IS SHE? Yeah try it when your pregnant mate I felt like saying but replied, “the baby is fine”, after all that’s all he wants to know right? I get three calls and texts this week– I end up replyng “LEAVE ME ALONE -DO U ACTUALLY WANT ME TO GET OVER YOU?” Of course he says things like “It’s my baby too – I just want to know how she is” He then implies I’m selfish for wanting abit of space! Jesus she’s fine if anything wasn’t I’d call him – it’s so weird him saying she’s my baby’ because she is but because he wasn’t there for me the last few months I feel like I’ve done it on my own and it just feels like he donated some sperm and some stress to the whole situation. He would of course argue he also donated cash and without that I wouldn’t have a roof over my head. So I’m to be thankful for everything he is done apparently. Oh something else to be thankful for is his Auntie says to me “I know things haven’t turned out exactly how you hoped but at your age you might never had children”. Wow yeah at 33 years old I’m well over the hill… Thank god Ex impregnated me and saved me from a childless life, because I probably would have never met anyone else who would have actually wanted me for who I am and wanted to have a family together. Thank you ex you has truly saved me. Grrr. I haven’t put him on the birth certiificate because he has to prove to me that he deserves ‘parental responsibility’ which is the legal term for rights to your child, if he has that then he has exactly the same rights as me – to choose where we live/school/immunisations etc and that means for instance if I wanted to live in Ireland with a new bloke he could make me come back if he had these ‘parental rights’ I think I need to see what kind of person he is going to be to have to deal with being her parent. I really do want him on it, it would be horrible if my daughter didn’t have her father on her birth certificate
I’ve said I will give him rights and we will put him on the birth certifcate on her first birthday.
I’ve had cross words with EX’s sister as she thinks it is out of order I haven’t put Ex on birth certificate and that I asked for a week off from his daily “how is the baby’ phone calls. Just needed a week to get my head together one little week post natal to try strengthen my head and feel in control of my emotions towards him – I asked for 1 week but he couldn’t even do that, he text me after 2 days “I’m FINDING THIS NO COMMUNICATION VERY DIFFICULT’, HOW IS SHE? Yeah try it when your pregnant mate I felt like saying but replied, “the baby is fine”, after all that’s all he wants to know right? I get three calls and texts this week– I end up replyng “LEAVE ME ALONE -DO U ACTUALLY WANT ME TO GET OVER YOU?” Of course he says things like “It’s my baby too – I just want to know how she is” He then implies I’m selfish for wanting abit of space! Jesus she’s fine if anything wasn’t I’d call him – it’s so weird him saying she’s my baby’ because she is but because he wasn’t there for me the last few months I feel like I’ve done it on my own and it just feels like he donated some sperm and some stress to the whole situation. He would of course argue he also donated cash and without that I wouldn’t have a roof over my head. So I’m to be thankful for everything he is done apparently. Oh something else to be thankful for is his Auntie says to me “I know things haven’t turned out exactly how you hoped but at your age you might never had children”. Wow yeah at 33 years old I’m well over the hill… Thank god Ex impregnated me and saved me from a childless life, because I probably would have never met anyone else who would have actually wanted me for who I am and wanted to have a family together. Thank you ex you has truly saved me. Grrr. I haven’t put him on the birth certiificate because he has to prove to me that he deserves ‘parental responsibility’ which is the legal term for rights to your child, if he has that then he has exactly the same rights as me – to choose where we live/school/immunisations etc and that means for instance if I wanted to live in Ireland with a new bloke he could make me come back if he had these ‘parental rights’ I think I need to see what kind of person he is going to be to have to deal with being her parent. I really do want him on it, it would be horrible if my daughter didn’t have her father on her birth certificate
I’ve said I will give him rights and we will put him on the birth certifcate on her first birthday.
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